Growing up, I clearly recall the Serenity Prayer displayed on the wall in my father’s office; both the calligraphy font and the words which still resonate with me today:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference – Reinhold Niebuhr
Acceptance in psychology is giving your assent to the reality of a situation, recognising a process or situation, often negative or uncomfortable, without attempting to change it or protest against it. It is not approval, but rather accepting that we cannot currently change the present facts, even if we do not like them.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, maintains that: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” He goes on to say that “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
We often struggle to accept things in life, there is a tension between where we are now and where we want to be, between what has happened (or not) and what we wanted to happen. It is this inability to accept change in our lives that can keep us stuck, focused on the negatives and completely drained by railing against it. While acceptance can be perceived as an act of giving up, giving in or losing hope, the opposite is actually true. Acceptance is empowering. Acceptance is about taking ownership of challenges and reclaiming the energy and inspiration to rebuild, reinvent and recreate yourself and your life.
Empowered acceptance is accepting what is not under your control and embracing what is happening now in a non-judgmental way. When you wholeheartedly accept emotional or physical pain, it can reduce the suffering they cause. Accepting a situation actually frees up your vital energy, broadens your perspective and provides the necessary space to create greater meaning and purpose in your life. This is the paradox of acceptance — while acceptance seems like an act of giving up, it’s actually a courageous decision to take back your control and power. As humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers says: “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Acceptance is a necessary foundation for personal growth. It opens up some space for us to listen to the intuitive conscience regarding what to do; it allows us to seek guidance from our core values and higher purpose and it reminds us of the need for compassion because of our universal human condition.
There are times in life where we end up in situations that we cannot change. And this is when radical acceptance comes in; accepting the reality of situations that are beyond your control. This does not mean that you approve of the situation, are giving up or that it isn’t painful. You are still allowed to, and indeed should, feel however you feel, but by accepting that it is what it is, you give the problem less power over you and you can begin to move forward. Acceptance is close in meaning to acquiescence, derived from the Latin acquiēscere (to find rest in) and indeed seems to be a pathway to mental wellbeing.
Acceptance is probably the most effective and versatile way of adaptation, capable of repairing the worst and bringing out the best in us. The practice of acceptance enables us to become mature, responsible, positive, compassionate, and resilient individuals, who in turn contribute to the development of a positive society.
When resistance is not serving you, how can you move to a place of acceptance?
- Acknowledge the present. Be mindful of your situation, recognising that it exists in a non-judgmental way. This does not mean that you are to accept manipulative or abusive behaviour; it simply means taking note and being aware of your situation
- Ask yourself if you can control or change the situation. It can be painful to acknowledge that you’re not always in control, but it can also be freeing.
- Notice when you are fighting against reality: the first step in accepting reality is gaining awareness that you are resisting it.
- Remind yourself that you cannot change what has already happened: before you can make peace with reality, you need to acknowledge that there is no going back to the way things were. This may be challenging and painful but when you identify what you can and can’t control, you can turn your energy toward coping with the things you cannot change.
- Embrace your emotions: You may still be hurt, frightened, angry or lonely and that is okay. Accepting reality includes accepting these feelings and allowing yourself to experience them without judgement and working through them in a healthy manner.
- Relax your body and breathe. If you’re feeling stressed or are pushing against the reality of your situation, there’s a good chance your body is tense. Physically relaxing your body can help you feel more ready to accept what is reality. Breathe: this may sound simple but can be extremely effective. Take a few deep breathes and focus on your breathing. This can help ground yourself in the present moment and relax your body. Yoga, a hot bath or shower, or having a massage can help your body to relax.
- Be intentional and Practice. Choose acceptance on a daily basis and make it an intentional practice. Understand that this is a skill that will take time to master. Practice saying sentences and mantras to help you get through challenging moments.
- Use coping statements: These are sentences that remind you that there are different healthier ways of thinking. Repeating these can help you through difficult moments.
Some examples are:
o It is what it is
o I can’t change the past
o I can only control the present moment
o I can accept things the way they are
o I can only control my own actions and reactions
o This too shall pass
o I am letting go of these negative emotions
o I can accept myself the way I am
o I can accept things as they are
o I have no control over other people, what they do or say. I can only control how I react.
Oftentimes the challenge or situation is too great to handle on your own. Do not hesitate to reach out to medical practitioners, counsellors or therapists. There are a number of therapies that specifically use acceptance, a few of which are outlined below.
Acceptance Therapies
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT)
Developed by Paul Gilbert (2010), CTF
• Draws from evolutionary, social, developmental and Buddhist psychology, and neuroscience.
• Focuses on compassionate mind training to help people develop inner warmth and safeness, through the practice of compassion and self-compassion.
• Emphasizes self-acceptance as a basis for compassion
Acceptance & commitment therapy (ACT)
Developed by Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson (2011), ACT
• Teaches mindfulness skills to deal with pain & suffering by
1. Accepting what is beyond your control
2. Committing to action according to your core values
3. Emphasising response-flexibility and perspective-taking
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Developed by Marsha Linehan (late 1980’s)
• “Dialectical” simply means the integration of opposites, the balance between two different ideas.
• The essence of DBT is a dynamic balance, a dialectical: acceptance of our life and our situation in life, and embracing change toward a better life.
• Bringing together two different ideas can enable us to move forward and become ‘unstuck’ from extreme positions.
Bibliography:
Görg, N., Priebe, K., Böhnke, J.R. et al. Trauma-related emotions and radical acceptance in dialectical behavior therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder after childhood sexual abuse. bord personal disord emot dysregul 4, 15 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-017-0065-5
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