Belonging

A Sense of Belonging

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. – Brené Brown

A sense of belonging and connectedness is a fundamental requirement to experience a meaningful life. To belong implies experiencing relatedness and connections with people, and society. This is succinctly captured in the African philosophy, Ubuntu. Derived from Zulu proverb ‘umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu’, which translates as ‘one is a person through others’; Ubuntu can be described as a philosophy or worldview, a social ethic of African humanness, the spirit of humanity. This worldview emphasises the interconnections and interdependence of self with others, that our full human potential can only be realised in our association and relationships with others. The emphasis is on the collective spirit, the value of community, caring and sharing with others. When we acknowledge this common humanity and interconnectedness, the “I” and “me” becomes more “we” and “us”.

Belonging is when people feel accepted for who they are. A sense of belonging is the psychological sense of connectedness to a social, cultural, professional or other type of group or community. This sense of belonging involves more than simply being acquainted with other people. It involves the feeling, belief, and expectation that one fits in the group and has a place there, a feeling of acceptance by the group, and a willingness to sacrifice for the group.

The sense of belonging is fundamental to the way humankind organises itself. It is our sense of belonging, and its importance to us as a species, that shapes the way our relationships with others, groups, and even whole communities function. We cannot separate the importance of a sense of belonging from our physical and mental health. When we feel that we belong, are supported and are not alone, we are better able to manage stress and cope more effectively with difficult times in our lives. A sense of belonging to a greater community improves motivation, health and happiness.

A 2020 study in college students found a positive link between a sense of belonging and greater happiness and overall well-being, as well as an overall reduction in the mental health outcomes including (Moeller et al.):
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Hopelessness
• Loneliness
• Social anxiety
• Suicidal thoughts

Aloneness and Loneliness
Some research has suggested that loneliness is on the rise and that a lack of human connection could possibly be more harmful to your health than smoking, obesity and high blood pressure. In 2017, the US Surgeon General cited a “loneliness epidemic” in the US and across the pond, the UK appointed the first Minister for Loneliness in 2018. However, loneliness and aloneness are not the same and evidence suggests that self-reported loneliness has not, in fact, been growing in recent decades.
While being alone is actually just a state, meaning that you are not with other people; loneliness is a negative emotion that arises when there is a perceived discrepancy between desired and actual social relationships. In effect, loneliness is the subjective human experience of not having sufficient social connections.

In many developed countries, it is very common for people to live alone; but contrary to what many believe, this does not translate into higher loneliness. Ortiz-Ospina (2019) provides statistical data which suggests that there are no signs of increasing loneliness across all age groups. An interesting finding, also contrary to popular belief, was that young adults reported feeling more lonely than older adults. According to the data, 10% of 16-24 year olds reported feeling lonely “often or always”, while only 3% of 65 year olds and older reported feeling lonely “often or always”. Perhaps this can be explained by the social media paradox.

Social media paradox

Modern communication and technology have certainly altered the landscape of our human interaction, social media in particular. The paradox is that it provides an illusion of acceptance and validation, although studies have shown that it has contributed to lower self-esteem and increased anxiety. Portraying what we want people to see and expecting ‘likes’ in return seems to promise rewarding feelings of accomplishment and connectivity.
Sometimes we only think we are connected. Social media has become a kind of ‘imposter’ for connection, allowing us to believe we’re connected when actually we’re really not—at least not in the ways we need to be. In our technologically advanced world, we seem to confuse being communicative with feeling connected: just because we’re plugged in, it doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard. There are those who suggest that the more technologically connected we become, the more disconnected we become. WiFi alone isn’t sufficient to fulfil our social needs – we need face-to-face interaction in order to thrive. Technology should be enhancing our connection to others, not replacing it.
All this technology and information processing seems to come at a cost. American psychiatrist, Edward Hallowell, maintains that never in human history have our brains needed work with so much information as they do today. He argues that this generation are so busy processing the information that is coming in from all directions that they seem to be losing the ability to think and feel.

Belonging and the community
As noted, the desire to belong and feel like you’re a part of a community is a basic human need and longing. It involves seeing community as a symbol of certain values, norms and practices shared among members of a particular group of people.

Community is one of the most important components of a broader society. As human beings and contemporary society developed, the definition of community concept has also evolved. Traditionally, community was expressed as a socially cohesive group of people who interact with each other or organise themselves around shared values, goals or geographical area (DeWall, et al., 2011). However, in our globalised world, the definition of community has transcended geographical boundaries and now incorporates the interrelationships of people across the world.

Generally, the concept of community implies sharing something, ties, interests or identity. In this regard, it is a broad concept characterised by a sense of cohesion among specific groups of people and driven by the idea of social capital. As mentioned earlier, the need to belong is deeply wired into our human biology. In evolutionary terms, social cohesion was critical for survival and still today, the desire for acceptance and to “fit in” is a basic human instinct. The need to belong to a group can also lead to changes in attitudes, beliefs and behaviours as people strive to conform to the norms and standards of the group.

Conformity is neither inherently positive or negative. A healthy amount of conformity offers a sense of belonging and identity which can lead to social harmony, on both interpersonal and societal levels. However, when conformity occurs because of fear, concern for one’s social standing or has dangerous consequences, it can be viewed as negative. We have all seen how conformity has been used to justify and carry out large-scale atrocities.

Increasing your sense of belonging
Our inherent need for human connection does not mean that we all need to become social butterflies. The sense of belonging is subjective and can look different for each one of us. Here are a few ways to increase your sense of belonging.

• Understand your core values. Take some time and really understand what you value and cherish in life; you will want those around you to have similar ideals. Think about the places, events and situations that people with these values might attend.
• Recognise the difference between true belonging and “fitting in”. Be your authentic self. Appreciate that others have different ways of being, which don’t have to change you.
• Be patient. Fostering a sense of belonging and community takes time and effort. It may take a while to gain acceptance, attention, and support from members of the group. Be patient.
• Be mindful of others. Reflect less on yourself while with others and make the other person or the group your focus. Conversation is essential to increasing your sense of belonging. It is important to mutually ask questions, make small talk, sensitively self-disclose and listen to people’s responses.
• Maintain an open, curious mind. When we close ourselves off to new experiences or questions, we limit the belonging we can feel in life. Try new activities and meet new people. Consider new ways of thinking. Being curious also allows you to look at your life through an optimistic lens. Obstacles and challenges become a means of learning, rather than a setback or failure.
• Practice acceptance. Acceptance is a practice, not an inherent trait. Humans naturally meet others with judgment. While we can’t eliminate this bias, we can broaden the lens through which we judge others. Focus on the similarities, not the differences, that connect you to others, and remain open to new ways of thinking.
• Acts of service. Volunteer for a cause you care about, perform random acts of kindness. Research shows that compassion and volunteering has huge health benefits and creates a sense of connection and purpose. Research also shows that if we need help, we should ask for it. It will create belonging for those we ask.

Bibliography

Bowlby, J. (1988). Attachment, communication, and the therapeutic process. A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development, 137-157.

DeWall, C. N., Deckman, T., Pond, R. S., Jr., & Bonser, I. (2011). Belongingness as a core personality trait: How social exclusion influences social functioning and personality expression. Journal of Personality, 79(6), 979–1012. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00695.x

Eisenberger N. I. (2013). Social ties and health: a social neuroscience perspective. Current opinion in neurobiology, 23(3), 407–413. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.conb.2013.01.006

Hallowell, E. Overloaded Circuits: Why Smart People Underperform
retrieved from https://hbr.org/2005/01/overloaded-circuits-why-smart-people-underperform

Moeller, R. W., Seehuus, M., & Peisch, V. (2020). Emotional Intelligence, Belongingness, and Mental Health in College Students. Frontiers in psychology, 11, 93. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00093
Ortiz-Ospina, E. (2019). Is there a loneliness epidemic? Retrieved from https://ourworldindata.org/loneliness-epidemic

Pavey, L., Greitemeyer, T., & Sparks, P. (2011). Highlighting Relatedness Promotes Prosocial Motives and Behavior. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(7), 905–917. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167211405994

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

Saeri, A. K., Cruwys, T., Barlow, F. K., Stronge, S., & Sibley, C. G. (2018). Social connectedness improves public mental health: Investigating bidirectional relationships in the New Zealand attitudes and values survey. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 52(4), 365–374. https://doi.org/10.1177/0004867417723990

Tajfel, H., Turner, J. C., Austin, W. G., & Worchel, S. (1979). An integrative theory of intergroup conflict. Organizational identity: A reader, 56-65.

Additional Recommended Resources

YouTube videos:

Know Your Worth and Where You Belong – Brené Brown

Books:
Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky