Social Connectedness

A sense of social connection is one of our fundamental human needs.. Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment. We are hardwired to connect with others. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering…We may think we want money, power, fame, beauty, eternal youth or a new car, but at the root of most of these desires is a need to belong, to be accepted, to connect with others, to be loved.
– Brené Brown

Human beings are inherently social creatures. For millions of years we have evolved to survive and thrive through our dependence on social groups. Our social groups not only provide us with an important part of our identity, but they also teach us a set of skills that help us to live our lives. In fact, many researchers suggest that social connections are as important to our survival and flourishing as the need for food, safety, and shelter. Whether extrovert, introvert or ambivert, our humanity depends on our relationships with others. We are all part of a natural and social web of life that supports and sustains us.

What the science tells us:
Our drive to connect with others has been shown to be embedded in our biology and evolutionary history. Scientific evidence strongly suggests that social connection is a basic psychological need (Pavey, et. al., 2011). Building and cultivating social connections benefits both individuals and communities as a whole (Holt-Lunstad, et al., 2010). An interesting discovery from an 80-year Harvard longitudinal study of health and aging is that it is close relationships, rather than money or fame, that keep people happy throughout their lives. Relationships with family, friends and community delay mental and physical decline and are better predictors of happiness and longevity than social class, IQ or even genes.

People with extensive and strong support networks tend to have:
• better physical health
• increased longevity
• improved immunity
• faster recover from illness
• lower levels of anxiety and depression
• higher self-esteem
• greater compassion and empathy
• more resilience

Research has shown that people actually perceive the world around differently when the feel connected and supported by others. A study at the University of Virginia found that people actually judge a hill to be 20% steeper if they are alone rather than with a friend by their side. Challenges don’t appear as daunting when we feel the support of social connectedness.

Amazingly, but perhaps unsurprisingly, the connectedness we experience in our relationships affects the way our brain develops and performs. Daniel Goleman, in his book, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, investigates the latest research in biology and neuroscience that confirms that humans are hardwired for connection and that our relationships shape not only our biology, but also our experiences. This innate need for connection makes the consequences of disconnection all the more concerning.

Social neuroscientists suggest that because social connection is so important for human survival, threats to these social ties are processed by the same neural regions that process basic threats to survival (Eisenberger, 2013). Matthew Lieberman, a social neuroscientist at the University of California, Los Angeles, describes three neural networks within the brain that promote our social connection: one involves our ability feel social pleasure and pain; one allows us to read the emotions of others and predict their behaviour; and one that helps us take up cultural beliefs and values that facilitate our connection to our social groups. Social connection is about the relationships we have with one other and our engagement with the broader community. It really is an integral component of health and well-being.

Quality not quantity matters
Although it is good to have a lot of social connections, it is the quality of this connections that matters most. If you want to lead a healthy and happy life, it is essential to establish and maintain strong ties with trustworthy people. Learning how to cultivate your relationships, making them deeper and more satisfying, means that when you are faced with challenges, you feel comfortable turning to these people for support.

What Does It Mean to Fully Connect?
It is much more than simply conversing or sharing common interests. A meaningful relationship is built on respect, trust and equality. Connection happens when people feel seen, heard and understood for exactly who they are. Meaningful connection requires us to be present, to be open and emotionally vulnerable. Knowing that you can count on others and showing up for them when they need to share or need help.

Ways in which to fully connect

Believe that everyone is worthy of meaningful connection. Once you believe that everyone is worthy of meaningful connection, you’ll start taking the lead to connect with them better. This means noticing the people in your life who may be lonely or disconnected themselves.
Be Present. When you are present, you are entirely focused on the shared experience you are having. You are not browsing social media, thinking about what went wrong in the past or worrying about tomorrow.
Be Authentic. Human connection only works if there is honesty. It doesn’t work if we are trying to be something we aren’t.
Listen Actively. Listen with the intention of understanding rather than formulating a response. Ask good questions. If you start asking simple yet profound questions, people will know that you care about them and that you’re creating space for them to open up.
Be patient and consistent. To develop meaningful relationships, you need to put in the time, showing up consistently to support, share, and spend quality time with another person.
Be Vulnerable. Vulnerability means sharing things that might be uncomfortable or exposing. Feeling enough trust with someone to share an experience or something you are upset about can be a very strong way of connecting with someone It means showing up and confronting problems in a relationship instead of running from them. It means talking about those things that make us feel shame. Vulnerability is tough, but it’s the currency of deep and meaningful relationship.
Be Intentionally Kind, Compassionate and Respectful. Kindness, compassion, and the ability to make others feel important are also valuable relationship-building traits. Treat others with the utmost respect. Apologize when you’re wrong. Do not let political or ideological differences keep you from seeing the dignity of another person or keep you from being open. Give out compliments freely and criticism rarely.
Don’t let technology replace relationships. While technology has in some ways improved our ability to communicate with others, it has also hurt our ability to meaningfully connect. Too many of us are focused on online social interactions. There are those that argue that technology has become a kind of ‘imposter’ for connection, allowing us to believe we’re connected when actually we’re really not—at least not in the ways we need to be. In our technologically advanced world, we seem to confuse being communicative with feeling connected: just because we’re plugged in, it doesn’t mean we feel seen and heard.

Decades of research has shown that social connection can reduce stress and provide a sense of meaning, purpose and belonging. Studies also show that those who actively improve their social relations often report becoming happier. And yet, as we live our busy lives, striving to strike a balance between work, school, hobbies, self-care, more often than not, it is our social connections fall by the wayside. As the research has shown, what makes our lives meaningful, keeps us happy and fulfilled in life is not fame, money or power, but the quality of our social connections. Making an effort to nurture and strengthen these relationships will have the biggest impact on your life and provide the biggest return in happiness.

Bibiography:

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Additional Recommended Resources

YouTube videos:

Social Well Being – Importance of Social Connections – Social Life – Social Interactions

What makes a good life? Lessons for the longest study on happiness – Robert Waldinger https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness

The social brain and its superpowers: Matthew Lieberman

The neuroscience of social intelligence: Bill von Hippel

Books:
Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect by Matthew Lieberman
Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships by Daniel Goleman

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